Killua's a little relieved it isn't the Kite in a girl's body. this Kite is still aware that he died, so he's not that far behind. it was a lot of emotional catching up with him and Gon, and... Killua was... honestly kind of weirdly jealous. it was different, back before Kite died.
now it's... ever since their conversation about girls when Gon first arrived, Killua's felt weird about it. he doesn't think Kite's a creep or anything. that isn't his problem. but Killua's more or less used to it by now, though. they're cordial, but they aren't close. it kind of feels like Kite tries it, sometimes... but Killua is aloof.
right now, Gon is hanging out with some of his other friends—friends Killua doesn't particularly care for, so he's just chilling by their place. and so is Kite, because he lives nearby. they're sitting across from each other in a grassy clearing, and Killua's trying to pretend it isn't fucking awkward.
I was talking to Gon. [he starts suddenly, putting his book down. Kite has a nice little spread for himself. He has a teacup and a tin of cookies. Like he's trying to gain the friendship of a feral animal, he lifts the tin and offers them to Killua.]
He was apologizing to me about some things, and then started asking questions that revealed that he now knows a bit more about me than he does you.
[Kite sets the cookies down in front of Killua,]
I don't think you have to tell him right away that you're gay, or anything. But I do think you should talk to him eventually.
[He catches the cookie on total reflex and takes a bite]
Gon asked if I liked men, and if I was a man— which was interesting to answer first and understand after.
[He offers the tin of cookies again. He was prepared for Killua to fly off the handle, but if Ging wanted him to be a mentor, then he'd at least try. Here, he had the time.]
The answer to both was yes.
[Maybe if he starts this slowly enough, Killua will warm up? Doubtful but worth a try.]
[to be fair, he has no reason to take in a Zoldyck.... it was his task to be Gon's mentor, not Killua's as well.
Killua's expression snaps to total surprise.
he's not sure he's..... met someone like that. who was out, anyway. he thinks Blue is maybe gay, but hasn't been bold enough to ask. and it's...different, when it's an adult.
and, of course, operating in the binary way he does...
Killua's shoulders slacken, clearly taken off guard.]
[Kite flinches. That wasn't how he was expecting him to react. The real truth was that he sorta swung whichever direction, but that wasn't going to be helpful. He could clarify later.]
What are you so surprised for? Gon told me that you said anyone could be one. [He has to smile, that's at least very amusing.]
[Killua slumps over, hanging his head, defeated. he straightens back up after a dramatic sigh.]
So? Why are you telling me something weird like that?
[he shoves his hands petulantly into his pockets, scowling as he kicks the dirt.]
What does that have to do with me?
[he gives Kite a distrustful glare. a tiny, distant, lonely part of Killua is happy to meet an adult who's same sex attracted... but most of Killua is built up out of the part of him that really doesn't appreciate just being called gay out of nowhere!!! "nowhere" being his perspective only]
[Killua's face reddens when he's accused of having feelings for Gon—it's not something he can even comfortably confront within himself, yet, though deep in his soul, and the back of his mind... he knows. and it makes him feel shitty. he doesn't want to acknowledge it.
Killua gets Kite's logic... but that's the problem. Killua's too sensitive of a boy.
demonstrated by how he curls his fists, gritting his teeth as he stubbornly glares away.]
Shut up. Don't project your weird identity onto me.
You are wrong. Just because I...
Don't confuse my loyalty for something weird. Gon's my first and closest friend. Our history is complex. You're misinterpreting my feelings!
[god damn it why are all the adults from his world like this. Kite's stronger than Killua; they both know this. after Kite's death, it's true that Gon and Killua did get stronger... at best, they're now equally matched.]
How is fighting gonna prove you're misinterpreting my feelings?! That's so irrelevant!! Whether or not I win or lose, my feelings are my own, you damn idiot!
God—
[Killua clenches his fists, his hair lifting with the subtle charge of his Hatsu. which he can't even use; this isn't even fair. he has no way to access as much of it as he would need in a fair fight against Kite.]
[Kite dissipates his nen on the spot. There we go, that was easier to deal with. Well. Not easier exactly, but he was down to what was really hurting him.]
What wouldn't Gon forgive?
[He's kind of figured that Killua doesn't like him that much, but he doesn't know the whole picture. He wasn't there for it, after all. He folds his arms, then as an additional show of goodwill, sits on the ground with his legs crossed.]
Talk to me. You haven't solved anything just by hating me. And Gon doesn't understand by a long shot.
[He sighs and readjusts his hat. How... difficult.]
That can't be entirely true. I'm just someone who made an impression on him. He only knows me as well as you do, really. Dammit, Ging... [It's a little difficult to hear that he's the most important person to Gon. Since, yeah, he really likes Gon, and he would do a lot for him... But it's just definitely not the same. He's not the boy's father. He can understand the longing for a parent, but it's not even like Ging's dead. He's just a terrible father.[
I'm sorry it affected him, and you, so much. Of course it isn't common practice for nen users to reveal their abilities in full... [He couldn't have predicted this, and he didn't have time to, anyway.]
He just needs time to heal, Killua. Even if he adores me, he spends almost all of his waking moments with you. Don't you think that means something?
[It is a little awkward that the kid just talks about him though.]
Talk to him. He probably wouldn't hurt you on purpose. [lol]
[damn it. it's moments like these—actual clarity from actual adults who actually know them—that it's hard to argue with Kite. he hates how smart he is, and how even though he's like a bug-eyed sentient stick who looks like he doesn't have any room in the band of his hat to have anything but a fucking brain stem, he's... so emotionally eloquent, sometimes.
when Kite asserts Killua's meaning, he remembers Palm. how he broke down, screaming for her to help bring him the sort of peace that only Killua can really bring Gon. he just couldn't reach him, then. no one could. but he wouldn't have been like that, if Kite hadn't been killed.]
...There's nothing to talk about, Kite.
I know I mean a lot to Gon. It's not like his position as my best friend isn't reciprocated.
I'm healing, too. You didn't see what I saw. Gon changed. I still see it in his eyes, sometimes—I still see a man who looks like him, standing over someone's long dead corpse, telling me it's okay when he's dismembered in front of me.
[Killua's eyes narrow, his breath shuddering as it starts to tighten, coming short.]
...It's already so delicate. I just want things to be easy for him.
[Killua's getting away from his own points; his emotions are clouding his thinking. the air around him is cold.]
There's always something else to talk about. You clearly want his attention and his love. Ask him for it.
[He sighs heavily.] Everything I've ever gotten in life I had to drag out of others. It's fine, just try it. He's very accommodating. [A shrug. Like. C'mon, what do you have to lose?]
Sometimes the friends you lose to tragedy seem more dear than the ones right there in front of you. Gon is a straightforward boy. You know he doesn't want to be treated like glass, he'd be mad if you did. Give him that much, the confidence that you trust him to receive your feelings.
[A beat]
I never got to properly thank you for knocking Gon out and taking him from battle. I don't know what I would have done if he'd been killed then and there. You showed excellent judgement and a willingness to do the difficult thing.
[He crosses his arms and settles on his own thighs] You would make a good match for him. You balance each other. I was around your age when I met Ging. It's impossible to go it alone.
[Kite thanking him for such a thing... isn't surprising, but it's painful.
he's trying to think of what the fuck to say about it—then Kite says something............very alarming. it throws off the entire course of—this whole thing.]
Gon is honest and sweet. If he rejects you, at least you'll know for sure. He won't shun you. It's worse to go on with secret feelings.
[It's Kite's turn to look at him with sympathy.]
I can't tell you what will make you happy, but I can tell you that you can live for years in this state of half-misery. It doesn't make you bad to want it.
[Kite very cautiously, very awkwardly reaches out an arm. Would you like a hug, child?]
fuck you, you think THAT'S awkward???????!! well, what about if Killua just—takes Kite's hand into both of his, lowering it?? how about that?
it's a gesture that suggests that Killua doesn't need a hug... and that maybe he feels a little bit like he doesn't deserve Kite's kindness. he was so rude a second ago, and while they got along in NGL, he hasn't been particularly nice to Kite since then. Kite didn't deserve that.
but he holds his hand like that, like a soft, unspoken apology. and maybe kinship. he didn't know.
How you look at him when he's not looking at you, mostly. When you're being looked at, you know how to respond. When you don't think anyone is looking at you, you're more honest.
[He folds his hands. He doesn't think it's unusual, especially for a Zoldyck.]
[He lets Killua awkwardly hold his hand. This was a terrible choice anyway but he had to live with it now.]
Your entire disposition changes around him, too. He'll catch on eventually.
[He's already this deep in it. He doubts Killua will every tell anyone any of this. It would damn him, afterall.]
Don't let Gon drink, by the way. I know you two are young, but I don't think it'll work out for him.... Looking at Ging.
[Killua blushes and hangs his head with embarrassment when Kite points out the way he looks at Gon. he knows how he feels when he looks at Gon. it was never part of his training to suppress feelings of joy or affection, necessarily, and Killua had no idea he wore it so clearly on his face. Kite is a particularly astute man—Killua hopes no one else has noticed... fuck.
he lets go of Kite's hand to hold his own face.]
M...my entire... Ugh, damn it...
[then... Kite says that thing about drinking. Killua raises his head. that worries him.]
Huh?
...He hasn't shown any interest. What do you mean?
[wow, that. makes Killua's heart hurt for Kite. he looks a little mad for a second, in fact, but he tries not to be so reactionary.]
I'd be more worried about how it would affect his trauma than whether or not he wanted to jerk around my feelings. Not that I don't appreciate the warning, I do—but Gon is impossible to control.
Sounds like he just shouldn't mix with it. [That was well enough. Kite didn't like it very much. He didn't like to lose control and it only pressed his anxiety.]
All I've done is give you unsolicited advice. Is there anything you want to know, while you have the chance?
[He drapes his hands around his knees.]
Yeah. I can see that. He's got a really strong will. Do you want me to talk to him?
—N-no! I'm—I'm definitely not ready. Gon doesn't even know I'm gay, yet. I don't want to just come out of nowhere with something that big...
[Killua feels like it'd be a little stressful for Gon... he can't imagine how he'd react. Kite's right, though, he's nice. even if he rejected Killua, which would stress them both out, they could stay friends. they'd healed from worse stuff.
Killua sinks back into a seating position, unconsciously folding his arms around his legs, similar to Kite's position.]
Besides, there's...
[oh god. does he want to tell Kite this?! is he going to disappoint Kite?? Killua glances away, eyes wide.]
...there's another boy I like, too. Not as much as Gon. I didn't—I wasn't really sure I was...that way, until I started to notice I was attracted to this guy, too. And it feels a little different than Gon.
So that doesn't make it easier...
[Killua looks annoyed, mumbling.]
Can't believe I'm sitting here talking about boys with you...
It doesn't look like anyone else is going to talk about this with you, so... [He gives him a sideways smile.]
Well... It can't hurt, then, to explore things with this other boy.
[Kite doesn't seem disappointed at all.] You're young, and like fighting, you just need experience now. It might be good to learn about yourself before you put it all on Gon, if that's what you're worried about.
[He gives Killua a little nod]
It would let both of you get used to the idea. And you'd have someone more fun to hang out with than an "old man", hmm? Gon's always going to be surrounded by others, he's charismatic like his father.
Maybe... I do like the idea of getting comfortable about it with a newer friend. But... as a stepping stone, that's...kind of... [he trails off. dangerous?
....well, Kite's right about the fact that Killua won't have anyone to talk to about it, if Killua doesn't fuckin' tell anybody. he wants to be more open about it, but it's hard. at least now that he's more sure of his orientation, he's given up talking about girls. how stupid that feels in retrospect.
as Kite says all this, Killua's heart flutters. he stares at his feet, blinking, his face still red, and his bangs muss against his knees as he tucks against them, feeling bashful and uncertain. his fingers tense, then relax.]
...He is. That's something we definitely don't have in common.
[he thinks about Gon—how sweet he looks when he laughs, how infectious his sunny energy is. Killua isn't sulking about not being charismatic—he can turn on the charm when he wants to, he just does't like it. it's more that he's literally hiding because he knows his dumb stupid face is probably doing dumb stupid gay shit because of how much he loves Gon.
he thinks about how his eyes stick when Blue's around, how even though he's had hyper saturation of the male form, this skinny, short boy somehow gives him pause when he gets a peek of his collar bone, or the nape of his neck. he's thought about kissing him.
but he doesn't think of Gon, that way... at least, the outset isn't so physical. but he does want to touch him like all of the fucking time; wants to kiss him, hold his hands, sleep in the same bed as him.
but it's scary, too.]
I don't know if I wanna be with Gon. [Killua's eyes are hard as he stares intently at the lilac fabric of his jeans, cast in his own shadow.] But I am in love with him. [damn it. damn it. his eyes are welling with tears again. Killua's posture tenses, and he looks even smaller.]
I've loved him for years. It's—it scares me... how much I... love Gon.
[saying it out loud gives him the craziest surge of emotion he's ever felt so passively, just from his own evocation. there's a glow about him, but it's not nen; it's more golden, and there's flowers blooming near him. he can even feel his amulet shift.]
[Kite is now needing to deal with how he reacts to this child. He isn't necessarily good at it, but he has determined that he will deal with however this comes out. The light, the flowers, they're beautiful, of course. He knows his own feelings for Ging aren't so pure anymore. He doubts the energy would react in such a flattering way if he allowed himself to feel it.]
[He wonders if he's made a mistake, but then decides no. No, this is a good thing. Someone like Killua could keep himself in a prison for years.]
He's an amazing guy. You don't have to decide this all at once, and of course he has a say in it, too. These things are too big for one person to figure out alone.
[But he's so small looking, so vulnerable. It feels a little unnatural to do nothing. And he understands Killua.]
[He feels bad for al the pain he's inflicted on him without meaning to. He places a hand in the middle of KIllua's back finally, and rubs his shoulders.]
If you need someone to talk to about this kind of thing, in the future, I mean... I hope we can be friends.
[the hand on Killua's back makes him tense, but he relaxes, accepting it. it feels... nice. Killua hasn't had adults in his life that are so kind, really, aside from peripheral encounters with Mitou. Bisky cared a lot about him, too—what a nightmare that would be, though, if she knew all this.
he turns his head, his cheek squished on his knees as he stares at Kite.]
Idiot, we are friends. We've been friends since NGL. I'm just... an idiot too, I guess, [he sniffles, straightening up just a bit to wipe his eyes.] My feelings are complicated about you, that's all. Sorry for being a shithead all the time.
[about EVERYTHING...to be fair.]
...But, I'd like that.
[Killua pauses, then glances shyly at Kite. his face is red again...]
[He lets out a breath that he didn't know he was holding as Killua starts to relax. Poor kid.]
Everyone's an idiot eventually. [he shrugs and laughs. Ging, who he had always considered the most brilliant man he had ever met was widely viewed as a total moron inside the association.]
Of course you can.
[He's slightly worried about what he's going to ask, but he definitely put himself here, so... No turning back now.]
He asked me if I like men or women, and I said I like both. He remarked that you hadn't told him that was an option, and that he was worried he had to choose... Since when he thought about it, he said he had no real preference.
[He glances down at Killua, stretching his legs out finally.]
[Killua straightens up a little, looking curious. he's thought—seriously, by the way, about dating girls! and he's been sexually excited by porn involving girls... but only if a man was also involved as well. Killua's 98% certain he's gay, but also 100% certain he hasn't knowingly met a bisexual person.
Killua sinks a little. it's not clear if he's asking about Kite, or Gon, when he says that.]
...He probably doesn't have enough context with that... maybe.
[if dudes were an option at all... if Gon didn't bluntly just come to him anyway... there was no way, right? that's probably stupid; he's probably looking for excuses...]
When'd you know the difference?
I'm 15, but... I didn't know until just before my birthday that I definitely liked boys. If you like both... what's that like?
I thought I was straight ever since I could like... you know. Operate...that way.
[sexually. this is the most embarrassing conversation in The Universe]
[Kite has to kind of think about it for a moment.] A little inconvenient, honestly. I never know when I'm going to meet someone that I might like.
[And he has found romance to mostly just be inconvenient. He at least stocked his team with absolutely no one that he was attracted to, whatsoever.]
I was too obsessed with just survival before Ging came along to think too much about it. So it was probably in my very late teens when we started traveling together that I got any real experience. I met a few girls that I liked quite a bit, but we never did too much. I've always just been obsessed with researching animals and improving my nen.
[But now he was here with... Stuff to do, but it was a little unfulfilling knowing he wouldn't be able to take it back with him.]
Ah, sorry, that doesn't answer your question. I've gone back and forth in my affections... But you'll know in your heart. [And by heart he sort of means boner]
I live... a lot of my life inside my own head, listening to others.
[Killua listens, clearly enraptured. he honestly does find himself asking people about stuff like this from time to time, unaware that it's because part of him wants it. hearing about how someone homeless who became a hunter didn't really have a lot of experience makes sense... Killua thinks with that kind of life style, dating is probably hard in general.
then he tries not to laugh when he suddenly interrupts his train of thought with the idea that there's probably Hunter dating events and websites. fucking wild. Killua succeeds.
sounds like Kite always just knew, then...
Killua scratches his cheek, looking thoughtful.]
I see.
Man, this stuff is so confusing and annoying...
[Killua sighs, pushing his fingers through his bangs.]
I've thought about telling Gon, to answer your question from way earlier. About me being gay. Not because I want anything from him or anything, but just because—we're close and stuff, it seems weird to just keep it from him... Last time we talked about this stuff, I didn't really know. If he finds out some other way, he might think I was hiding it from him and get mad.
[not that Killua really cares. Gon gets mad over stupid stuff all the time, in his opinion. but it feels like a principality thing.]
Knowing what I know about Gon, he would want to know that about you and from you. He won't be disgusted or distraught. He looks up to me, and he didn't seem to care that I am the way I am. And it's entirely possible that he'll think you were willfully hiding it if he finds out from someone else.
[Kite shrugs as he stretches out in the grass.]
Don't worry. I won't tell him. So if there's anyone else who knows... You only have to beat them to the punch. But yeah, this stuff is difficult. It's way harder than any battle.
[he can imagine Gon's bratty petulance, yelling at Killua "why didn't you tell me?! You know you can tell me anything!! Did you think I'd judge you!? Stupid!!"
...he'd definitely miss the point, why Killua might not tell him. but Killua supposes the ball's in his court, either way. it feels...weird. but it's the natural next step to finally being comfortable about it privately. gotta tell your best friend.]
...I'll tell him soon.
Not my feelings, but my orientation. It'll be awkward, but... easy, I guess...
Hey. Why are you talking with me about all this stuff?
Good. I think he’s picked up that there’s something different, but it’s probably frustrating him that he doesn’t know what it is, yet. And he doesn’t want to ask yet.
Hm? [he figured it was obvious but... Zoldyck boy. He’s bound to be off. ]
Everyone needs an adult to talk to sometimes. I figured I might be the only one who could easily understand you. [And Killua would find out later but queers tended to glom to one another. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ASSUMED CR MEME: KILLUA & KITE ADDITION
Killua's a little relieved it isn't the Kite in a girl's body. this Kite is still aware that he died, so he's not that far behind. it was a lot of emotional catching up with him and Gon, and... Killua was... honestly kind of weirdly jealous. it was different, back before Kite died.
now it's... ever since their conversation about girls when Gon first arrived, Killua's felt weird about it. he doesn't think Kite's a creep or anything. that isn't his problem. but Killua's more or less used to it by now, though. they're cordial, but they aren't close. it kind of feels like Kite tries it, sometimes... but Killua is aloof.
right now, Gon is hanging out with some of his other friends—friends Killua doesn't particularly care for, so he's just chilling by their place. and so is Kite, because he lives nearby. they're sitting across from each other in a grassy clearing, and Killua's trying to pretend it isn't fucking awkward.
he a grudgy little bitch]
no subject
He was apologizing to me about some things, and then started asking questions that revealed that he now knows a bit more about me than he does you.
[Kite sets the cookies down in front of Killua,]
I don't think you have to tell him right away that you're gay, or anything. But I do think you should talk to him eventually.
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.............the cookie offering works, so Killua takes one.
then he literally screams, leaping to his feet before he can eat it. his face is red from ear to ear]
What the fuck are you talking about, Kite?! Stupid old man, I'll kick your ass!
[THROWS THE COOKIE AT KITE]
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Gon asked if I liked men, and if I was a man— which was interesting to answer first and understand after.
[He offers the tin of cookies again. He was prepared for Killua to fly off the handle, but if Ging wanted him to be a mentor, then he'd at least try. Here, he had the time.]
The answer to both was yes.
[Maybe if he starts this slowly enough, Killua will warm up? Doubtful but worth a try.]
no subject
Killua's expression snaps to total surprise.
he's not sure he's..... met someone like that. who was out, anyway. he thinks Blue is maybe gay, but hasn't been bold enough to ask. and it's...different, when it's an adult.
and, of course, operating in the binary way he does...
Killua's shoulders slacken, clearly taken off guard.]
Huh? You're a homo?!
[thanks Kil]
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What are you so surprised for? Gon told me that you said anyone could be one. [He has to smile, that's at least very amusing.]
But yes. I'm attracted to men.
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[Killua slumps over, hanging his head, defeated. he straightens back up after a dramatic sigh.]
So? Why are you telling me something weird like that?
[he shoves his hands petulantly into his pockets, scowling as he kicks the dirt.]
What does that have to do with me?
[he gives Kite a distrustful glare. a tiny, distant, lonely part of Killua is happy to meet an adult who's same sex attracted... but most of Killua is built up out of the part of him that really doesn't appreciate just being called gay out of nowhere!!! "nowhere" being his perspective only]
no subject
[Kite shrugs]
Is it weird that I'm telling you this? It seems like you look down on "homos", hmm?
[He sips his tea, then rearranges his stupidly long legs.]
I don't find it shameful. It's just something that's true about me. So tell me, am I wrong about you, then?
no subject
Killua gets Kite's logic... but that's the problem. Killua's too sensitive of a boy.
demonstrated by how he curls his fists, gritting his teeth as he stubbornly glares away.]
Shut up. Don't project your weird identity onto me.
You are wrong. Just because I...
Don't confuse my loyalty for something weird. Gon's my first and closest friend. Our history is complex. You're misinterpreting my feelings!
[lies, lies, lies, and lies.]
no subject
[Kite stands, summoning Crazy Slots]
Oooohhh? You're gonna kick this kid's ass, Kite? What a temper! Who am I to stand in front of primo entertainment?
[The Psycho Clown rolls his numbers, coming out with a whip]
Hmm... Bad roll.
I already told you I don't have bad rolls! Kick his ass Kite, because that's appropriate, probably.
[Hm. Maybe it wasn't? Nah. Let's rumble, kiddo]
Let's go.
1/2
How is fighting gonna prove you're misinterpreting my feelings?! That's so irrelevant!! Whether or not I win or lose, my feelings are my own, you damn idiot!
God—
[Killua clenches his fists, his hair lifting with the subtle charge of his Hatsu. which he can't even use; this isn't even fair. he has no way to access as much of it as he would need in a fair fight against Kite.]
You annoy me so much!! I hate that you're here!
no subject
Even if I could knock some sense into your shitty brain, Gon—...
Gon wouldn't forgive me!!
[why does Gon like this jerk so much!? why is he all Gon ever talks about!? what the fuck is so great about Kite?!]
no subject
What wouldn't Gon forgive?
[He's kind of figured that Killua doesn't like him that much, but he doesn't know the whole picture. He wasn't there for it, after all. He folds his arms, then as an additional show of goodwill, sits on the ground with his legs crossed.]
Talk to me. You haven't solved anything just by hating me. And Gon doesn't understand by a long shot.
no subject
After you died, and Gon thought you were really dead...
He hasn't been the same since. I know we insisted. It isn't your fault. But now, even knowing you're alive, you're all he ever talks about.
It's possible you're the most important person in the world to him. What kind of friend would I be if I hurt you? On purpose?
There's no reason for us to fight in this boring place, anyway.
no subject
That can't be entirely true. I'm just someone who made an impression on him. He only knows me as well as you do, really. Dammit, Ging... [It's a little difficult to hear that he's the most important person to Gon. Since, yeah, he really likes Gon, and he would do a lot for him... But it's just definitely not the same. He's not the boy's father. He can understand the longing for a parent, but it's not even like Ging's dead. He's just a terrible father.[
I'm sorry it affected him, and you, so much. Of course it isn't common practice for nen users to reveal their abilities in full... [He couldn't have predicted this, and he didn't have time to, anyway.]
He just needs time to heal, Killua. Even if he adores me, he spends almost all of his waking moments with you. Don't you think that means something?
[It is a little awkward that the kid just talks about him though.]
Talk to him. He probably wouldn't hurt you on purpose. [lol]
no subject
when Kite asserts Killua's meaning, he remembers Palm. how he broke down, screaming for her to help bring him the sort of peace that only Killua can really bring Gon. he just couldn't reach him, then. no one could. but he wouldn't have been like that, if Kite hadn't been killed.]
...There's nothing to talk about, Kite.
I know I mean a lot to Gon. It's not like his position as my best friend isn't reciprocated.
I'm healing, too. You didn't see what I saw. Gon changed. I still see it in his eyes, sometimes—I still see a man who looks like him, standing over someone's long dead corpse, telling me it's okay when he's dismembered in front of me.
[Killua's eyes narrow, his breath shuddering as it starts to tighten, coming short.]
...It's already so delicate. I just want things to be easy for him.
[Killua's getting away from his own points; his emotions are clouding his thinking. the air around him is cold.]
no subject
[He sighs heavily.] Everything I've ever gotten in life I had to drag out of others. It's fine, just try it. He's very accommodating. [A shrug. Like. C'mon, what do you have to lose?]
Sometimes the friends you lose to tragedy seem more dear than the ones right there in front of you. Gon is a straightforward boy. You know he doesn't want to be treated like glass, he'd be mad if you did. Give him that much, the confidence that you trust him to receive your feelings.
[A beat]
I never got to properly thank you for knocking Gon out and taking him from battle. I don't know what I would have done if he'd been killed then and there. You showed excellent judgement and a willingness to do the difficult thing.
[He crosses his arms and settles on his own thighs] You would make a good match for him. You balance each other. I was around your age when I met Ging. It's impossible to go it alone.
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he's trying to think of what the fuck to say about it—then Kite says something............very alarming. it throws off the entire course of—this whole thing.]
—Ging?!
[in context, that sounds like........]
You and Ging?!
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Trust me when I say I haven't admitted that to anyone. It's too difficult, but I still feel like I owe you.
[He reddens and tilts his cap down to cover a little more of his face. Oh God what has he gotten himself into?]
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stunned.
he stares, quite possibly, looking as stupid as Kite has ever seen him. for almost like, a minute.
GON'S
DAD????
GON'S DAD? GING GON DAD FREECS? FUCK? WHAT]
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he's really trying that hard? Killua doesn't get it. why‐
he grips the front of his shirt, his eyes falling. the tips of his ears are pink.]
I...
O-oh...
[when Killua looks up at Kite again, it's different. sympathetic, maybe. searching. he still doesn't know what to say.]
Kite...
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We really don't get to pick who we fall for.
[Kite wiped his face with his hand, coming to grips with the situation.]
I think you have a much better shot at happiness, though.
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[damn it!!! bastard! now it doesn't feel right to lie. but... this also makes Killua feel like Kite won't say anything.]
...I don't want...
Gon is my closest friend. If it doesn't work out, I...
[WHY CAN'T HE ARTICULATE THIS.]
Does it have to be that way? For me to be happy? Isn't it enough to just love him this way?
Thinking about it...
Wanting that...
[Killua's eyes soften with tears.]
...makes me feel like a bad friend...
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[It's Kite's turn to look at him with sympathy.]
I can't tell you what will make you happy, but I can tell you that you can live for years in this state of half-misery. It doesn't make you bad to want it.
[Kite very cautiously, very awkwardly reaches out an arm. Would you like a hug, child?]
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fuck you, you think THAT'S awkward???????!! well, what about if Killua just—takes Kite's hand into both of his, lowering it?? how about that?
it's a gesture that suggests that Killua doesn't need a hug... and that maybe he feels a little bit like he doesn't deserve Kite's kindness. he was so rude a second ago, and while they got along in NGL, he hasn't been particularly nice to Kite since then. Kite didn't deserve that.
but he holds his hand like that, like a soft, unspoken apology. and maybe kinship. he didn't know.
after a moment, Killua asks,]
How could you tell?
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[He folds his hands. He doesn't think it's unusual, especially for a Zoldyck.]
[He lets Killua awkwardly hold his hand. This was a terrible choice anyway but he had to live with it now.]
Your entire disposition changes around him, too. He'll catch on eventually.
[He's already this deep in it. He doubts Killua will every tell anyone any of this. It would damn him, afterall.]
Don't let Gon drink, by the way. I know you two are young, but I don't think it'll work out for him.... Looking at Ging.
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he lets go of Kite's hand to hold his own face.]
M...my entire... Ugh, damn it...
[then... Kite says that thing about drinking. Killua raises his head. that worries him.]
Huh?
...He hasn't shown any interest. What do you mean?
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[Since Ging has put me through some SHIT.]
You probably won't have to worry about it for years, but eventually someone will put a drink in his hand, and it'll make him stupider.
[Though he neglects to say how exactly for a long, weird moment. But he doesn't believe in half-assed warnings.]
The only times Ging reciprocated my affections was after he drank. Just.. Be aware.
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I'd be more worried about how it would affect his trauma than whether or not he wanted to jerk around my feelings. Not that I don't appreciate the warning, I do—but Gon is impossible to control.
I'll do my best, anyway. It's good to know.
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All I've done is give you unsolicited advice. Is there anything you want to know, while you have the chance?
[He drapes his hands around his knees.]
Yeah. I can see that. He's got a really strong will. Do you want me to talk to him?
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[Killua feels like it'd be a little stressful for Gon... he can't imagine how he'd react. Kite's right, though, he's nice. even if he rejected Killua, which would stress them both out, they could stay friends. they'd healed from worse stuff.
Killua sinks back into a seating position, unconsciously folding his arms around his legs, similar to Kite's position.]
Besides, there's...
[oh god. does he want to tell Kite this?! is he going to disappoint Kite?? Killua glances away, eyes wide.]
...there's another boy I like, too. Not as much as Gon. I didn't—I wasn't really sure I was...that way, until I started to notice I was attracted to this guy, too. And it feels a little different than Gon.
So that doesn't make it easier...
[Killua looks annoyed, mumbling.]
Can't believe I'm sitting here talking about boys with you...
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Well... It can't hurt, then, to explore things with this other boy.
[Kite doesn't seem disappointed at all.] You're young, and like fighting, you just need experience now. It might be good to learn about yourself before you put it all on Gon, if that's what you're worried about.
[He gives Killua a little nod]
It would let both of you get used to the idea. And you'd have someone more fun to hang out with than an "old man", hmm? Gon's always going to be surrounded by others, he's charismatic like his father.
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....well, Kite's right about the fact that Killua won't have anyone to talk to about it, if Killua doesn't fuckin' tell anybody. he wants to be more open about it, but it's hard. at least now that he's more sure of his orientation, he's given up talking about girls. how stupid that feels in retrospect.
as Kite says all this, Killua's heart flutters. he stares at his feet, blinking, his face still red, and his bangs muss against his knees as he tucks against them, feeling bashful and uncertain. his fingers tense, then relax.]
...He is. That's something we definitely don't have in common.
[he thinks about Gon—how sweet he looks when he laughs, how infectious his sunny energy is. Killua isn't sulking about not being charismatic—he can turn on the charm when he wants to, he just does't like it. it's more that he's literally hiding because he knows his dumb stupid face is probably doing dumb stupid gay shit because of how much he loves Gon.
he thinks about how his eyes stick when Blue's around, how even though he's had hyper saturation of the male form, this skinny, short boy somehow gives him pause when he gets a peek of his collar bone, or the nape of his neck. he's thought about kissing him.
but he doesn't think of Gon, that way... at least, the outset isn't so physical. but he does want to touch him like all of the fucking time; wants to kiss him, hold his hands, sleep in the same bed as him.
but it's scary, too.]
I don't know if I wanna be with Gon. [Killua's eyes are hard as he stares intently at the lilac fabric of his jeans, cast in his own shadow.] But I am in love with him. [damn it. damn it. his eyes are welling with tears again. Killua's posture tenses, and he looks even smaller.]
I've loved him for years. It's—it scares me... how much I... love Gon.
[saying it out loud gives him the craziest surge of emotion he's ever felt so passively, just from his own evocation. there's a glow about him, but it's not nen; it's more golden, and there's flowers blooming near him. he can even feel his amulet shift.]
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[He wonders if he's made a mistake, but then decides no. No, this is a good thing. Someone like Killua could keep himself in a prison for years.]
He's an amazing guy. You don't have to decide this all at once, and of course he has a say in it, too. These things are too big for one person to figure out alone.
[But he's so small looking, so vulnerable. It feels a little unnatural to do nothing. And he understands Killua.]
[He feels bad for al the pain he's inflicted on him without meaning to. He places a hand in the middle of KIllua's back finally, and rubs his shoulders.]
If you need someone to talk to about this kind of thing, in the future, I mean... I hope we can be friends.
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he turns his head, his cheek squished on his knees as he stares at Kite.]
Idiot, we are friends. We've been friends since NGL. I'm just... an idiot too, I guess, [he sniffles, straightening up just a bit to wipe his eyes.] My feelings are complicated about you, that's all. Sorry for being a shithead all the time.
[about EVERYTHING...to be fair.]
...But, I'd like that.
[Killua pauses, then glances shyly at Kite. his face is red again...]
—Actually. Can I ask you something, Kite?
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[He lets out a breath that he didn't know he was holding as Killua starts to relax. Poor kid.]
Everyone's an idiot eventually. [he shrugs and laughs. Ging, who he had always considered the most brilliant man he had ever met was widely viewed as a total moron inside the association.]
Of course you can.
[He's slightly worried about what he's going to ask, but he definitely put himself here, so... No turning back now.]
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You were talking about it, did he...
[ever shy and sensitive, Killua glances away with a little scowl. he plucks idly at one of the flowers that grew by his feet.]
Do you know if he even likes other guys at all?
[Killua's just been under the straight but not narrow interpretation, here...]
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[He reaffixes his hat.]
He asked me if I like men or women, and I said I like both. He remarked that you hadn't told him that was an option, and that he was worried he had to choose... Since when he thought about it, he said he had no real preference.
[He glances down at Killua, stretching his legs out finally.]
Do with that what you will.
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[Killua straightens up a little, looking curious. he's thought—seriously, by the way, about dating girls! and he's been sexually excited by porn involving girls... but only if a man was also involved as well. Killua's 98% certain he's gay, but also 100% certain he hasn't knowingly met a bisexual person.
Killua sinks a little. it's not clear if he's asking about Kite, or Gon, when he says that.]
...He probably doesn't have enough context with that... maybe.
[if dudes were an option at all... if Gon didn't bluntly just come to him anyway... there was no way, right? that's probably stupid; he's probably looking for excuses...]
When'd you know the difference?
I'm 15, but... I didn't know until just before my birthday that I definitely liked boys. If you like both... what's that like?
I thought I was straight ever since I could like... you know. Operate...that way.
[sexually. this is the most embarrassing conversation in The Universe]
I was confused for a little while...
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[Kite has to kind of think about it for a moment.] A little inconvenient, honestly. I never know when I'm going to meet someone that I might like.
[And he has found romance to mostly just be inconvenient. He at least stocked his team with absolutely no one that he was attracted to, whatsoever.]
I was too obsessed with just survival before Ging came along to think too much about it. So it was probably in my very late teens when we started traveling together that I got any real experience. I met a few girls that I liked quite a bit, but we never did too much. I've always just been obsessed with researching animals and improving my nen.
[But now he was here with... Stuff to do, but it was a little unfulfilling knowing he wouldn't be able to take it back with him.]
Ah, sorry, that doesn't answer your question. I've gone back and forth in my affections... But you'll know in your heart. [And by heart he sort of means boner]
I live... a lot of my life inside my own head, listening to others.
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then he tries not to laugh when he suddenly interrupts his train of thought with the idea that there's probably Hunter dating events and websites. fucking wild. Killua succeeds.
sounds like Kite always just knew, then...
Killua scratches his cheek, looking thoughtful.]
I see.
Man, this stuff is so confusing and annoying...
[Killua sighs, pushing his fingers through his bangs.]
I've thought about telling Gon, to answer your question from way earlier. About me being gay. Not because I want anything from him or anything, but just because—we're close and stuff, it seems weird to just keep it from him... Last time we talked about this stuff, I didn't really know. If he finds out some other way, he might think I was hiding it from him and get mad.
[not that Killua really cares. Gon gets mad over stupid stuff all the time, in his opinion. but it feels like a principality thing.]
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[Kite shrugs as he stretches out in the grass.]
Don't worry. I won't tell him. So if there's anyone else who knows... You only have to beat them to the punch. But yeah, this stuff is difficult. It's way harder than any battle.
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[he can imagine Gon's bratty petulance, yelling at Killua "why didn't you tell me?! You know you can tell me anything!! Did you think I'd judge you!? Stupid!!"
...he'd definitely miss the point, why Killua might not tell him. but Killua supposes the ball's in his court, either way. it feels...weird. but it's the natural next step to finally being comfortable about it privately. gotta tell your best friend.]
...I'll tell him soon.
Not my feelings, but my orientation. It'll be awkward, but... easy, I guess...
Hey. Why are you talking with me about all this stuff?
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Hm? [he figured it was obvious but... Zoldyck boy. He’s bound to be off. ]
Everyone needs an adult to talk to sometimes. I figured I might be the only one who could easily understand you. [And Killua would find out later but queers tended to glom to one another. ]
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with the explanation, Killua drops his head again, resting his cheek on his knee. he thinks he's starting to understand Gon a little bit more...]
That's true. People here have a hard time with me.
[pussies]
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[He places a hand on Killua’s head and gently musses his hair ]
Would you like to come over for tea and tuiles while Gon finishes impressing his friends with how big of rocks he can lift?