Gon is honest and sweet. If he rejects you, at least you'll know for sure. He won't shun you. It's worse to go on with secret feelings.
[It's Kite's turn to look at him with sympathy.]
I can't tell you what will make you happy, but I can tell you that you can live for years in this state of half-misery. It doesn't make you bad to want it.
[Kite very cautiously, very awkwardly reaches out an arm. Would you like a hug, child?]
fuck you, you think THAT'S awkward???????!! well, what about if Killua just—takes Kite's hand into both of his, lowering it?? how about that?
it's a gesture that suggests that Killua doesn't need a hug... and that maybe he feels a little bit like he doesn't deserve Kite's kindness. he was so rude a second ago, and while they got along in NGL, he hasn't been particularly nice to Kite since then. Kite didn't deserve that.
but he holds his hand like that, like a soft, unspoken apology. and maybe kinship. he didn't know.
How you look at him when he's not looking at you, mostly. When you're being looked at, you know how to respond. When you don't think anyone is looking at you, you're more honest.
[He folds his hands. He doesn't think it's unusual, especially for a Zoldyck.]
[He lets Killua awkwardly hold his hand. This was a terrible choice anyway but he had to live with it now.]
Your entire disposition changes around him, too. He'll catch on eventually.
[He's already this deep in it. He doubts Killua will every tell anyone any of this. It would damn him, afterall.]
Don't let Gon drink, by the way. I know you two are young, but I don't think it'll work out for him.... Looking at Ging.
[Killua blushes and hangs his head with embarrassment when Kite points out the way he looks at Gon. he knows how he feels when he looks at Gon. it was never part of his training to suppress feelings of joy or affection, necessarily, and Killua had no idea he wore it so clearly on his face. Kite is a particularly astute man—Killua hopes no one else has noticed... fuck.
he lets go of Kite's hand to hold his own face.]
M...my entire... Ugh, damn it...
[then... Kite says that thing about drinking. Killua raises his head. that worries him.]
Huh?
...He hasn't shown any interest. What do you mean?
[wow, that. makes Killua's heart hurt for Kite. he looks a little mad for a second, in fact, but he tries not to be so reactionary.]
I'd be more worried about how it would affect his trauma than whether or not he wanted to jerk around my feelings. Not that I don't appreciate the warning, I do—but Gon is impossible to control.
Sounds like he just shouldn't mix with it. [That was well enough. Kite didn't like it very much. He didn't like to lose control and it only pressed his anxiety.]
All I've done is give you unsolicited advice. Is there anything you want to know, while you have the chance?
[He drapes his hands around his knees.]
Yeah. I can see that. He's got a really strong will. Do you want me to talk to him?
—N-no! I'm—I'm definitely not ready. Gon doesn't even know I'm gay, yet. I don't want to just come out of nowhere with something that big...
[Killua feels like it'd be a little stressful for Gon... he can't imagine how he'd react. Kite's right, though, he's nice. even if he rejected Killua, which would stress them both out, they could stay friends. they'd healed from worse stuff.
Killua sinks back into a seating position, unconsciously folding his arms around his legs, similar to Kite's position.]
Besides, there's...
[oh god. does he want to tell Kite this?! is he going to disappoint Kite?? Killua glances away, eyes wide.]
...there's another boy I like, too. Not as much as Gon. I didn't—I wasn't really sure I was...that way, until I started to notice I was attracted to this guy, too. And it feels a little different than Gon.
So that doesn't make it easier...
[Killua looks annoyed, mumbling.]
Can't believe I'm sitting here talking about boys with you...
It doesn't look like anyone else is going to talk about this with you, so... [He gives him a sideways smile.]
Well... It can't hurt, then, to explore things with this other boy.
[Kite doesn't seem disappointed at all.] You're young, and like fighting, you just need experience now. It might be good to learn about yourself before you put it all on Gon, if that's what you're worried about.
[He gives Killua a little nod]
It would let both of you get used to the idea. And you'd have someone more fun to hang out with than an "old man", hmm? Gon's always going to be surrounded by others, he's charismatic like his father.
Maybe... I do like the idea of getting comfortable about it with a newer friend. But... as a stepping stone, that's...kind of... [he trails off. dangerous?
....well, Kite's right about the fact that Killua won't have anyone to talk to about it, if Killua doesn't fuckin' tell anybody. he wants to be more open about it, but it's hard. at least now that he's more sure of his orientation, he's given up talking about girls. how stupid that feels in retrospect.
as Kite says all this, Killua's heart flutters. he stares at his feet, blinking, his face still red, and his bangs muss against his knees as he tucks against them, feeling bashful and uncertain. his fingers tense, then relax.]
...He is. That's something we definitely don't have in common.
[he thinks about Gon—how sweet he looks when he laughs, how infectious his sunny energy is. Killua isn't sulking about not being charismatic—he can turn on the charm when he wants to, he just does't like it. it's more that he's literally hiding because he knows his dumb stupid face is probably doing dumb stupid gay shit because of how much he loves Gon.
he thinks about how his eyes stick when Blue's around, how even though he's had hyper saturation of the male form, this skinny, short boy somehow gives him pause when he gets a peek of his collar bone, or the nape of his neck. he's thought about kissing him.
but he doesn't think of Gon, that way... at least, the outset isn't so physical. but he does want to touch him like all of the fucking time; wants to kiss him, hold his hands, sleep in the same bed as him.
but it's scary, too.]
I don't know if I wanna be with Gon. [Killua's eyes are hard as he stares intently at the lilac fabric of his jeans, cast in his own shadow.] But I am in love with him. [damn it. damn it. his eyes are welling with tears again. Killua's posture tenses, and he looks even smaller.]
I've loved him for years. It's—it scares me... how much I... love Gon.
[saying it out loud gives him the craziest surge of emotion he's ever felt so passively, just from his own evocation. there's a glow about him, but it's not nen; it's more golden, and there's flowers blooming near him. he can even feel his amulet shift.]
[Kite is now needing to deal with how he reacts to this child. He isn't necessarily good at it, but he has determined that he will deal with however this comes out. The light, the flowers, they're beautiful, of course. He knows his own feelings for Ging aren't so pure anymore. He doubts the energy would react in such a flattering way if he allowed himself to feel it.]
[He wonders if he's made a mistake, but then decides no. No, this is a good thing. Someone like Killua could keep himself in a prison for years.]
He's an amazing guy. You don't have to decide this all at once, and of course he has a say in it, too. These things are too big for one person to figure out alone.
[But he's so small looking, so vulnerable. It feels a little unnatural to do nothing. And he understands Killua.]
[He feels bad for al the pain he's inflicted on him without meaning to. He places a hand in the middle of KIllua's back finally, and rubs his shoulders.]
If you need someone to talk to about this kind of thing, in the future, I mean... I hope we can be friends.
[the hand on Killua's back makes him tense, but he relaxes, accepting it. it feels... nice. Killua hasn't had adults in his life that are so kind, really, aside from peripheral encounters with Mitou. Bisky cared a lot about him, too—what a nightmare that would be, though, if she knew all this.
he turns his head, his cheek squished on his knees as he stares at Kite.]
Idiot, we are friends. We've been friends since NGL. I'm just... an idiot too, I guess, [he sniffles, straightening up just a bit to wipe his eyes.] My feelings are complicated about you, that's all. Sorry for being a shithead all the time.
[about EVERYTHING...to be fair.]
...But, I'd like that.
[Killua pauses, then glances shyly at Kite. his face is red again...]
[He lets out a breath that he didn't know he was holding as Killua starts to relax. Poor kid.]
Everyone's an idiot eventually. [he shrugs and laughs. Ging, who he had always considered the most brilliant man he had ever met was widely viewed as a total moron inside the association.]
Of course you can.
[He's slightly worried about what he's going to ask, but he definitely put himself here, so... No turning back now.]
He asked me if I like men or women, and I said I like both. He remarked that you hadn't told him that was an option, and that he was worried he had to choose... Since when he thought about it, he said he had no real preference.
[He glances down at Killua, stretching his legs out finally.]
[Killua straightens up a little, looking curious. he's thought—seriously, by the way, about dating girls! and he's been sexually excited by porn involving girls... but only if a man was also involved as well. Killua's 98% certain he's gay, but also 100% certain he hasn't knowingly met a bisexual person.
Killua sinks a little. it's not clear if he's asking about Kite, or Gon, when he says that.]
...He probably doesn't have enough context with that... maybe.
[if dudes were an option at all... if Gon didn't bluntly just come to him anyway... there was no way, right? that's probably stupid; he's probably looking for excuses...]
When'd you know the difference?
I'm 15, but... I didn't know until just before my birthday that I definitely liked boys. If you like both... what's that like?
I thought I was straight ever since I could like... you know. Operate...that way.
[sexually. this is the most embarrassing conversation in The Universe]
[Kite has to kind of think about it for a moment.] A little inconvenient, honestly. I never know when I'm going to meet someone that I might like.
[And he has found romance to mostly just be inconvenient. He at least stocked his team with absolutely no one that he was attracted to, whatsoever.]
I was too obsessed with just survival before Ging came along to think too much about it. So it was probably in my very late teens when we started traveling together that I got any real experience. I met a few girls that I liked quite a bit, but we never did too much. I've always just been obsessed with researching animals and improving my nen.
[But now he was here with... Stuff to do, but it was a little unfulfilling knowing he wouldn't be able to take it back with him.]
Ah, sorry, that doesn't answer your question. I've gone back and forth in my affections... But you'll know in your heart. [And by heart he sort of means boner]
I live... a lot of my life inside my own head, listening to others.
[Killua listens, clearly enraptured. he honestly does find himself asking people about stuff like this from time to time, unaware that it's because part of him wants it. hearing about how someone homeless who became a hunter didn't really have a lot of experience makes sense... Killua thinks with that kind of life style, dating is probably hard in general.
then he tries not to laugh when he suddenly interrupts his train of thought with the idea that there's probably Hunter dating events and websites. fucking wild. Killua succeeds.
sounds like Kite always just knew, then...
Killua scratches his cheek, looking thoughtful.]
I see.
Man, this stuff is so confusing and annoying...
[Killua sighs, pushing his fingers through his bangs.]
I've thought about telling Gon, to answer your question from way earlier. About me being gay. Not because I want anything from him or anything, but just because—we're close and stuff, it seems weird to just keep it from him... Last time we talked about this stuff, I didn't really know. If he finds out some other way, he might think I was hiding it from him and get mad.
[not that Killua really cares. Gon gets mad over stupid stuff all the time, in his opinion. but it feels like a principality thing.]
Knowing what I know about Gon, he would want to know that about you and from you. He won't be disgusted or distraught. He looks up to me, and he didn't seem to care that I am the way I am. And it's entirely possible that he'll think you were willfully hiding it if he finds out from someone else.
[Kite shrugs as he stretches out in the grass.]
Don't worry. I won't tell him. So if there's anyone else who knows... You only have to beat them to the punch. But yeah, this stuff is difficult. It's way harder than any battle.
[he can imagine Gon's bratty petulance, yelling at Killua "why didn't you tell me?! You know you can tell me anything!! Did you think I'd judge you!? Stupid!!"
...he'd definitely miss the point, why Killua might not tell him. but Killua supposes the ball's in his court, either way. it feels...weird. but it's the natural next step to finally being comfortable about it privately. gotta tell your best friend.]
...I'll tell him soon.
Not my feelings, but my orientation. It'll be awkward, but... easy, I guess...
Hey. Why are you talking with me about all this stuff?
Good. I think he’s picked up that there’s something different, but it’s probably frustrating him that he doesn’t know what it is, yet. And he doesn’t want to ask yet.
Hm? [he figured it was obvious but... Zoldyck boy. He’s bound to be off. ]
Everyone needs an adult to talk to sometimes. I figured I might be the only one who could easily understand you. [And Killua would find out later but queers tended to glom to one another. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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he's really trying that hard? Killua doesn't get it. why‐
he grips the front of his shirt, his eyes falling. the tips of his ears are pink.]
I...
O-oh...
[when Killua looks up at Kite again, it's different. sympathetic, maybe. searching. he still doesn't know what to say.]
Kite...
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We really don't get to pick who we fall for.
[Kite wiped his face with his hand, coming to grips with the situation.]
I think you have a much better shot at happiness, though.
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[damn it!!! bastard! now it doesn't feel right to lie. but... this also makes Killua feel like Kite won't say anything.]
...I don't want...
Gon is my closest friend. If it doesn't work out, I...
[WHY CAN'T HE ARTICULATE THIS.]
Does it have to be that way? For me to be happy? Isn't it enough to just love him this way?
Thinking about it...
Wanting that...
[Killua's eyes soften with tears.]
...makes me feel like a bad friend...
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[It's Kite's turn to look at him with sympathy.]
I can't tell you what will make you happy, but I can tell you that you can live for years in this state of half-misery. It doesn't make you bad to want it.
[Kite very cautiously, very awkwardly reaches out an arm. Would you like a hug, child?]
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fuck you, you think THAT'S awkward???????!! well, what about if Killua just—takes Kite's hand into both of his, lowering it?? how about that?
it's a gesture that suggests that Killua doesn't need a hug... and that maybe he feels a little bit like he doesn't deserve Kite's kindness. he was so rude a second ago, and while they got along in NGL, he hasn't been particularly nice to Kite since then. Kite didn't deserve that.
but he holds his hand like that, like a soft, unspoken apology. and maybe kinship. he didn't know.
after a moment, Killua asks,]
How could you tell?
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[He folds his hands. He doesn't think it's unusual, especially for a Zoldyck.]
[He lets Killua awkwardly hold his hand. This was a terrible choice anyway but he had to live with it now.]
Your entire disposition changes around him, too. He'll catch on eventually.
[He's already this deep in it. He doubts Killua will every tell anyone any of this. It would damn him, afterall.]
Don't let Gon drink, by the way. I know you two are young, but I don't think it'll work out for him.... Looking at Ging.
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he lets go of Kite's hand to hold his own face.]
M...my entire... Ugh, damn it...
[then... Kite says that thing about drinking. Killua raises his head. that worries him.]
Huh?
...He hasn't shown any interest. What do you mean?
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[Since Ging has put me through some SHIT.]
You probably won't have to worry about it for years, but eventually someone will put a drink in his hand, and it'll make him stupider.
[Though he neglects to say how exactly for a long, weird moment. But he doesn't believe in half-assed warnings.]
The only times Ging reciprocated my affections was after he drank. Just.. Be aware.
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I'd be more worried about how it would affect his trauma than whether or not he wanted to jerk around my feelings. Not that I don't appreciate the warning, I do—but Gon is impossible to control.
I'll do my best, anyway. It's good to know.
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All I've done is give you unsolicited advice. Is there anything you want to know, while you have the chance?
[He drapes his hands around his knees.]
Yeah. I can see that. He's got a really strong will. Do you want me to talk to him?
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[Killua feels like it'd be a little stressful for Gon... he can't imagine how he'd react. Kite's right, though, he's nice. even if he rejected Killua, which would stress them both out, they could stay friends. they'd healed from worse stuff.
Killua sinks back into a seating position, unconsciously folding his arms around his legs, similar to Kite's position.]
Besides, there's...
[oh god. does he want to tell Kite this?! is he going to disappoint Kite?? Killua glances away, eyes wide.]
...there's another boy I like, too. Not as much as Gon. I didn't—I wasn't really sure I was...that way, until I started to notice I was attracted to this guy, too. And it feels a little different than Gon.
So that doesn't make it easier...
[Killua looks annoyed, mumbling.]
Can't believe I'm sitting here talking about boys with you...
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Well... It can't hurt, then, to explore things with this other boy.
[Kite doesn't seem disappointed at all.] You're young, and like fighting, you just need experience now. It might be good to learn about yourself before you put it all on Gon, if that's what you're worried about.
[He gives Killua a little nod]
It would let both of you get used to the idea. And you'd have someone more fun to hang out with than an "old man", hmm? Gon's always going to be surrounded by others, he's charismatic like his father.
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....well, Kite's right about the fact that Killua won't have anyone to talk to about it, if Killua doesn't fuckin' tell anybody. he wants to be more open about it, but it's hard. at least now that he's more sure of his orientation, he's given up talking about girls. how stupid that feels in retrospect.
as Kite says all this, Killua's heart flutters. he stares at his feet, blinking, his face still red, and his bangs muss against his knees as he tucks against them, feeling bashful and uncertain. his fingers tense, then relax.]
...He is. That's something we definitely don't have in common.
[he thinks about Gon—how sweet he looks when he laughs, how infectious his sunny energy is. Killua isn't sulking about not being charismatic—he can turn on the charm when he wants to, he just does't like it. it's more that he's literally hiding because he knows his dumb stupid face is probably doing dumb stupid gay shit because of how much he loves Gon.
he thinks about how his eyes stick when Blue's around, how even though he's had hyper saturation of the male form, this skinny, short boy somehow gives him pause when he gets a peek of his collar bone, or the nape of his neck. he's thought about kissing him.
but he doesn't think of Gon, that way... at least, the outset isn't so physical. but he does want to touch him like all of the fucking time; wants to kiss him, hold his hands, sleep in the same bed as him.
but it's scary, too.]
I don't know if I wanna be with Gon. [Killua's eyes are hard as he stares intently at the lilac fabric of his jeans, cast in his own shadow.] But I am in love with him. [damn it. damn it. his eyes are welling with tears again. Killua's posture tenses, and he looks even smaller.]
I've loved him for years. It's—it scares me... how much I... love Gon.
[saying it out loud gives him the craziest surge of emotion he's ever felt so passively, just from his own evocation. there's a glow about him, but it's not nen; it's more golden, and there's flowers blooming near him. he can even feel his amulet shift.]
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[He wonders if he's made a mistake, but then decides no. No, this is a good thing. Someone like Killua could keep himself in a prison for years.]
He's an amazing guy. You don't have to decide this all at once, and of course he has a say in it, too. These things are too big for one person to figure out alone.
[But he's so small looking, so vulnerable. It feels a little unnatural to do nothing. And he understands Killua.]
[He feels bad for al the pain he's inflicted on him without meaning to. He places a hand in the middle of KIllua's back finally, and rubs his shoulders.]
If you need someone to talk to about this kind of thing, in the future, I mean... I hope we can be friends.
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he turns his head, his cheek squished on his knees as he stares at Kite.]
Idiot, we are friends. We've been friends since NGL. I'm just... an idiot too, I guess, [he sniffles, straightening up just a bit to wipe his eyes.] My feelings are complicated about you, that's all. Sorry for being a shithead all the time.
[about EVERYTHING...to be fair.]
...But, I'd like that.
[Killua pauses, then glances shyly at Kite. his face is red again...]
—Actually. Can I ask you something, Kite?
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[He lets out a breath that he didn't know he was holding as Killua starts to relax. Poor kid.]
Everyone's an idiot eventually. [he shrugs and laughs. Ging, who he had always considered the most brilliant man he had ever met was widely viewed as a total moron inside the association.]
Of course you can.
[He's slightly worried about what he's going to ask, but he definitely put himself here, so... No turning back now.]
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You were talking about it, did he...
[ever shy and sensitive, Killua glances away with a little scowl. he plucks idly at one of the flowers that grew by his feet.]
Do you know if he even likes other guys at all?
[Killua's just been under the straight but not narrow interpretation, here...]
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[He reaffixes his hat.]
He asked me if I like men or women, and I said I like both. He remarked that you hadn't told him that was an option, and that he was worried he had to choose... Since when he thought about it, he said he had no real preference.
[He glances down at Killua, stretching his legs out finally.]
Do with that what you will.
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[Killua straightens up a little, looking curious. he's thought—seriously, by the way, about dating girls! and he's been sexually excited by porn involving girls... but only if a man was also involved as well. Killua's 98% certain he's gay, but also 100% certain he hasn't knowingly met a bisexual person.
Killua sinks a little. it's not clear if he's asking about Kite, or Gon, when he says that.]
...He probably doesn't have enough context with that... maybe.
[if dudes were an option at all... if Gon didn't bluntly just come to him anyway... there was no way, right? that's probably stupid; he's probably looking for excuses...]
When'd you know the difference?
I'm 15, but... I didn't know until just before my birthday that I definitely liked boys. If you like both... what's that like?
I thought I was straight ever since I could like... you know. Operate...that way.
[sexually. this is the most embarrassing conversation in The Universe]
I was confused for a little while...
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[Kite has to kind of think about it for a moment.] A little inconvenient, honestly. I never know when I'm going to meet someone that I might like.
[And he has found romance to mostly just be inconvenient. He at least stocked his team with absolutely no one that he was attracted to, whatsoever.]
I was too obsessed with just survival before Ging came along to think too much about it. So it was probably in my very late teens when we started traveling together that I got any real experience. I met a few girls that I liked quite a bit, but we never did too much. I've always just been obsessed with researching animals and improving my nen.
[But now he was here with... Stuff to do, but it was a little unfulfilling knowing he wouldn't be able to take it back with him.]
Ah, sorry, that doesn't answer your question. I've gone back and forth in my affections... But you'll know in your heart. [And by heart he sort of means boner]
I live... a lot of my life inside my own head, listening to others.
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then he tries not to laugh when he suddenly interrupts his train of thought with the idea that there's probably Hunter dating events and websites. fucking wild. Killua succeeds.
sounds like Kite always just knew, then...
Killua scratches his cheek, looking thoughtful.]
I see.
Man, this stuff is so confusing and annoying...
[Killua sighs, pushing his fingers through his bangs.]
I've thought about telling Gon, to answer your question from way earlier. About me being gay. Not because I want anything from him or anything, but just because—we're close and stuff, it seems weird to just keep it from him... Last time we talked about this stuff, I didn't really know. If he finds out some other way, he might think I was hiding it from him and get mad.
[not that Killua really cares. Gon gets mad over stupid stuff all the time, in his opinion. but it feels like a principality thing.]
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[Kite shrugs as he stretches out in the grass.]
Don't worry. I won't tell him. So if there's anyone else who knows... You only have to beat them to the punch. But yeah, this stuff is difficult. It's way harder than any battle.
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[he can imagine Gon's bratty petulance, yelling at Killua "why didn't you tell me?! You know you can tell me anything!! Did you think I'd judge you!? Stupid!!"
...he'd definitely miss the point, why Killua might not tell him. but Killua supposes the ball's in his court, either way. it feels...weird. but it's the natural next step to finally being comfortable about it privately. gotta tell your best friend.]
...I'll tell him soon.
Not my feelings, but my orientation. It'll be awkward, but... easy, I guess...
Hey. Why are you talking with me about all this stuff?
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Hm? [he figured it was obvious but... Zoldyck boy. He’s bound to be off. ]
Everyone needs an adult to talk to sometimes. I figured I might be the only one who could easily understand you. [And Killua would find out later but queers tended to glom to one another. ]
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with the explanation, Killua drops his head again, resting his cheek on his knee. he thinks he's starting to understand Gon a little bit more...]
That's true. People here have a hard time with me.
[pussies]
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[He places a hand on Killua’s head and gently musses his hair ]
Would you like to come over for tea and tuiles while Gon finishes impressing his friends with how big of rocks he can lift?